From the Governmental Department of Logical Thought and Touchy-Feely Cloud Cuckoo Land:

Dustman are now a thing of the past, as the stress of having to watch residents carry their own bins to waiting dustcarts has proved too much for them. The final straw came last week when ninety-nine year old Brightonian, Mrs T Cosey expired after lugging her own bin six miles from her front gate to the waiting municipal vehicle. She lived on a slight hill, so you couldn’t expect the dustcart to go to HER could you ?

The sight of Old Mother Cosey breathing her last, stuck under the bin she had ended up underneath, after tripping on a stray empty tub of vegetarian hummus, in full view of Council waste disposal operatives, was incredibly traumatic for them. They would’ve helped, but their uniforms were clean on that morning.

As the remainder of the Council’s "bin budget" has now been spent on compensation and holidays in Caribbean to aid the recovery of the bin men, there is nothing left over to pay for the collection of household rubbish.

You will now need to sort yourself out with regards to disposing of the contents of your kitchen swing bin and the like. Government officials will of course be making random spot checks on residents’ homes to ensure that you are recycling. We will also take this opportunity to stick our collective noses into your business to make sure you’re "on message". As well as expecting you to recycle the contents of your hoover bag into some kind of power source or combustible fuel, we will also be giving your home the "Department For Logical Thought" once-over.

Therefore, please take heed of the following:

Trees in your garden are a bad idea, as the branches can sometimes be blown by the wind into a shape that could look like a cross. As a Christian country, we can’t be doing with things that look like crosses all over the place. If you must fly a flag outside your residence, please make sure it’s anything other than the Union Jack. As a multi-ethnic, multi-faith, multi-cultural, multiplex cinema nation, we can’t be seen flying our own flag in case other races get the a*s ache.
It’s also for this reason that we’re not keen on black or brown front doors either.

Got it? Good!