The Oscars

For anyone who missed yesterday morning’s hard hitting “interview” between BBC Breakfast presenter, Kate Silverton and Oscar nominee Helen Mirren, this is roughly how it went:

Kate Silverton (who for some reason appears to be wearing a pair of specs that make her look like Thelma from Scooby-Doo): Dame Helen, firstly can I just say that I think you’re great.
Dame Helen Mirren: Yes of course you may, in fact you could say it again if you like.
KS: I think you’re great.
DHM: Thank you.
KS: Everyone I know thinks you’re great too.
DHM: You’re very kind, thank you.
KS: I work on the telly for the BBC you know, everyone there thinks you’re great.
DHM: Thank you.
KS: Dame Judi Dench is great as well isn’t she?
DHM: Yes, I think so.
KS: It’s great that you’re both Dames, do you think I’ll be made a Dame after this?
DHM: Unlikely
KS: Oh……..Did I tell you, I think you’re great ?

Lots of fawning and general creeping with head bowed, seemed to be the order of the day and doubtless it was the same on any channel, both in the UK and in America.

However, I've been bored for days over the endless debating over whether or not Dame Helen win this or that, will Dame Judi win something else, what will they say in their speech if they win, what will they wear etc etc. I couldn't give a flying duck who wins what, who wore what, who got hammered, who got high or any of the gossip the various hacks out there think we're interested in.

The Oscars is just a bunch of luvies telling each other how great they are without really meaning it and giving their best fake smile when the other one wins. Get them to do their next film for the minimum wage and give them something real to think about.

BOMAD

Five people with tonnes of cash and well paid jobs pontificating over the expense of putting their various children through university. Not exactly what I call "must watch TV", but the item up for debate on last night's "Richard and Judy" on Channel 4 was "BOMAD", the "Bank of Mum and Dad". The theory behind the discussion was children of today have to rely on their parent's cash long after leaving education. Certainly this was worthy of discussion and life is certainly expensive, what with exorbitant property prices and a cost of living that seems to bear little or no resemblance to people's salaries. However, the "expert panel", which consisted of higher rate tax paying, right wing hacks, just wanted to moan about spending money, of which they all probably had plenty.

The husband and wife TV presenters, Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan, have been in the nation’s living rooms for around eighteen years and their "everyday normality" has always been their main attraction. On air bickering and general family strife has kept viewers hooked.

However, with regards to last night's item on the "Bank of Mum and Dad", I have to say that this came across as a group of rich and vaguely famous people having a moan about the "hardship" of putting their children through university. There certainly didn't seem to be much evidence of anything everyday or normal to me. They seemed to be saying that even though money was no object to those on the panel, they resented having to pay for their children's education. All Richard and Judy did was agree, rather than take the subject onto other areas of the topic. There was nothing about the "Bank of Mum Without Dad" or the "Bank of Dad Without Mum" or anything to do with those whose children won't be going to university. Many children have to leave school and get a job to contribute to the household income, why wasn't this mentioned ?

My hackles were raised to the point where I had to email the production company, Cactus TV, to tell them exactly what I thought of their discussion.

I await their reply.

No I Don't Feel Like Chuffing Dancing !

Have your “ohrwurms” being giving you gip lately ?

Mine sure have, I can tell you. Not sure what an “ohrwurm” is ? Well, let me enlighten you.
Picture the scene, it’s a weekday morning and you're mid-way through your routine of coffee, something resembling food and possibly some kind of “why does no one ever do anything to tidy up around here apart from me?” type argument with partner/room mate/children. If the scenario involves students, then nicotine and monstrous hangovers will also feature. Meanwhile in the background all you can hear on the radio is:

"Wake up in the morning with a head like ‘what ya done?’ This used to be the life but I don’t need another one. Good luck cutting nothing and carrying on you wear them gowns. So how come I feel so lonely when you’re up getting down?"

If you don’t recognise the above, then you are either a stalwart Radio 4 person in the morning or you’re not word perfect with the lyrics to “Don’t Feel Like Dancing” by the Scissor Sisters.
So, what is an “ohrwurm” ? Well, the above song certainly is one and the word comes from the German word for “ear worm”. It’s basically those catchy/annoying little tunes that worm their way into your brain and repeat themselves over and over again until you beg for mercy.

Anyone unlucky enough to get a song stuck in their head, would probably exchange such torture for a spot of root canal treatment if it gave them a few moments relief. Research has shown that songs such as “Don’t Feel Like Dancing” by the Scissor Sisters, “YMCA” by the Village People and “Aga-Sodding-Doo” by Black Lace literally make our brains itch. The only way to scratch the itch is to repeat the offending tune over and over again, hence the desire to track down the person who wrote this abomination and rattle their dustbin lids........repeatedly. I read somewhere that singing “Onward Christian Soldiers” is a good cure for an ohrwurm, however, this could make you stand out from the crowd in a way you might not want, unless you wanted to go the whole hog with a “Salvation Army” hat at a jaunty angle on your head and charity tin full of Isle of Man pound coins and Euros to rattle.

It may be more fun in the long run to give into the rhythm, form your own band and write something even more aggravating as your revenge.

As published in "The Local Voice" Spring 2007