You Couldn't Make It Up .....

Apparently growing up in Britain isn't going to be the head start we thought it would be when it comes to knowing what it means to be British. It seems children up and down the country will need to be taught this in school instead, presumably in case they get confused and wonder if they're French.

According to the blurb, a report has recommended "citizenship lessons" on UK culture, the Empire and core values. The serious message behind the report is that following the July bombings in 2005, there are fears of splits between white and ethnic minorities. I can see the logic behind the findings, but being taught how to be British could go one of two ways. On the one hand it could be the sort of subject taught by someone in a bowler hat, who carryies a rolled up copy of "The Times" along with an umbrella, a brief case and the knowledge of whom the Queen will be lunching with on any given day for the next six months. He would probably have a double barrelled surname, be able to trace his family tree back to the "Doomsday Book" and own half of Wiltshire.

However, it also sounds like something that could be taught by a non tie wearing man with unruly curly hair, that insists on being called by his first name. He would probably join the kids on their fag breaks, know all the current tunes on the radio, have a gorgeous girlfriend and, unlike the rest of the teaching staff, have no obvious weird traits, strange leanings or killer breath. The same would probably apply if the teacher was a woman, including the gorgeous girlfriend. All signs of slacking and doing sod all in these lessons would merely be seen as personal expression on behalf of the students.

What does "being British" actually mean these days anyway? I'm assuming that a penchant for queuing, talking about the weather, solving all arguments by sticking the kettle on and apologising to the person who has just driven their trolley across someone else's foot won't be on the curriculum. I also doubt that constant re-runs of "Miss Marple" or "Dickson Of Dock Green" probably wouldn't be happening either.

So what might be discussed ? Our rather unimpressive record abroad for football violence involving the "fans" ? How our record of teenage pregnancies is one of the highest in Europe perhaps ? Or maybe they would like to chew the fat over the fact that the nation's flag is seen by some as a symbol of the far right and racism ?

There are a number of things that Britain is known for that we would probably do well to keep quiet about. When it comes to teaching children how to "be British" I think they should just stick to the difference between right and wrong, tolerance of others, the need to take responsibility for one's own actions and the importance of being able to stand on their own two feet.

Schools should be turning out well rounded, decent human beings. End of story.

Bigoted Big Brother

I think it is fairly safe to say that there isn't a person in Britain this week who doesn't have an opinion on Big Brother, it's production company Endemol, Channel 4, Jade Goody, Shilpa Shetty and the gang as well as what does and doesn't constitute racism.

There is always some sort of dividing line over which we have to decide on which side we want to pitch our tent of opinions. Sooner or later everyone has to make some sort of decision on where they stand and this can be anything from whether or not it's preferable to have a bath or a shower, will that carpet really go with those curtains, is "Abba's Greatest Hits" an acceptable CD to have on display or should it be locked away in a drawer as an occasional guilty pleasure.

In short we all have our own definition as to what is right and wrong. We then use this individual benchmark to decide what is bullying and what is just a bit of a one sided argument, what is a light hearted remark about a person's background or culture and what is racism. This definition will also incorporate personal experience and this past week, most of what has been occurring within the confines of the Big Brother house has been pontificated over by almost everyone, whether they have watched the show or not or had any tangible experiences or not.

I don't know many people who have been targeted because of their ethnic origins and everyone I know is pretty laid back about things like race. Those I have discussed Jade Goody's recent outbursts with have agreed that she is a foul mouthed, ignorant, quick tempered bully and certainly someone we could do with seeing a lot less of on our TV screens and in newspapers. The main question has been, of course, has she been racist towards fellow Big Brother contestant, Shilpa Shetty ? It’s hard to explain that one easily. However, just because Jade wasn't spray painting "f**k off home you f**ing p*ki" in four foot high letters on the Big Brother house’s garden fence doesn't mean her actions were not motivated by colour. Taking the mick out of someone’s accent, culture and background really isn’t the best way to get to know someone from another country and expect people to think it's just a different way of being friendly. Bearing in mind that Jade's partners in crime, Jo O'Meara and Danielle Lloyd, were also shoving their oars in as much as possible, then you would think they would have the sense to at least realise how this might look to those watching. Three white girls, from the bottom of life's barrel, ganging up on the asian girl with the foreign accent, a much wider vocabulary and a fair amount of cash.......it's not exactly rocket science to see that a racial motive for their behaviour would be suspected. They would have to be extremely stupid not to see this as a possible outcome. However, there is the main stumbling block. I don't think that Jade, Jo and Danielle are exactly bright and they just didn't know how to react when a beautiful, intelligent, articulate and successful woman entered the room. At thirty-one years old, Shilpa Shetty is still young enough to be regarded as their contemporaries and she was seen by them as a threat, as well as being from another country.

I think that the behaviour of the three slow witted, gobby and with the exception of Danielle, unattractive women was totally appalling, but were they racist? Yes, I think they were BUT having said that, I think it was out of ignorance more than anything else and I doubt any of them will be joining the BNP anytime soon. They do, however, deserve all the negative publicity that they get as racism in all it’s forms is nasty and ugly. The image of Jo and Danielle laughing at Shilpa's Indian accent when she asked for their support during Jade's verbal attacks is so dreadful, ignorance simply isn’t a good enough excuse.

F******* M**

I like to think I am a pretty laid back kind of guy without too many hang-ups and certainly wouldn't say it took much to shock me or make me feel older than the funky early thirty something that I am.

However, I do have to say that I am starting to feel that either my standards for day to day interaction and conversation with others are either way too high, or that a number of others seem to have forgotten that people can actually hear what they are saying. To be more specific, I am referring to swearing. Now in certain situations, when all else is lost, there often nothing else any right thinking, totally at the end of their rope individual can do but let fly with a long tirade of expletives. It achieves nothing, but they will feel slightly better. For many, however, it seems to be almost impossible to get to the end of a sentence, let alone the end of a day, without more than one or two "F" words.

Like many people, my working day tends to start with the cheeky banter of a local radio breakfast show. They generally have all anyone could need to start the weekday, with awake and alive chatter and the usual mix of music, news and travel updates. A fairly innocuous place and certainly not really one with anything too controversial happening. However, while negotiating a recent Monday morning traffic snarl up and wondering if I was going to late into the office, I was told by the radio presenter to stay listening for the up and coming crank call item where I could forget the extra aggravation of being stuck in traffic, as my morning wasn't going as bad as that of the person’s I was about to hear. I've heard similar before on this particular programme and have had a good laugh at someone else’s expense. It normally takes the format of someone set up by a “friend” and their ongoing “corporate war” saga, that will be cranked up one or two notches by a radio jock pretending to be an incompetent member of staff with an incredibly short fuse.

In this instance someone, who had otherwise been getting on with their lives and bothering no one, answered their phone and believed they were speaking to someone from a hire firm they had recently rented a car from. The guy from the radio station had been told it would be a great laugh to ring and pretend there were outstanding speeding fines from the time when the rental took place. I'm sure if something like this happened to me, I would be none too pleased and would certainly have raised my voice a few decibels, however, I don't think I would have launched into the tirade of swearing, abuse and the threatening of violence that I actually heard. A minute or so of swearing and anger was exchanged until the caller revealed this was a wind up and all was well again. The swearing remained, but there was laughter in place of abuse and there was lots of guffawing in the studio over how amusing this bloke well and truly blowing a gasket was and how we, the listener, should all stay tuned for more of the same, this time next week. Of course, there was some justification that the man who had been called saw red and who could blame him that he decided to shout now and ask questions later ? However, it’s bad enough that someone couldn’t react to such a situation with a bit more control and a wider vocabulary, but should it really acceptable for such behaviour to be passed off as entertainment ?

New Year, Same Old World !

I've had one of those weeks where I can't be sure if it's me that's going slightly barking and everyone else is totally sane, or if it's the other way around.

The reason why I say this is because I read in the local paper the other day that a number of teenagers who have been found guilty of crimes including arson, rape and even murder often get let off with something called a "severe warning". I didn't take in the rest of the article sufficiently to remember the exact reasons why this is the case, as I think I was too shocked at what I was reading to fully grasp it all. However, I am guessing it has something to do with the age of criminal responsibility. I do remember reading the statistic that compared to the rest of Europe, teenagers in the UK are the most badly behaved.

It seems if you're young enough, then you can do more or less what you like and never have to face the consequences. I think if someone commits a crime the they deserve to be punished and if they're too young, then make their parents or guardians responsible.

And what else did I learn during the first working week of 2007 ?

Well, apparently two convicted murderers on the run from an open prison, were not going to have their identities made public as this may infringe their "human rights". If this wasn't crazy enough, so many convicts have escaped from open prisons recently that statistics do not exist for exactly how many. Sorry if this sounds a silly question, but why exactly were murders in an open prision in the first place ? I guess it's something to do with overcrowding, but surely the safety of the public should come first ? Maybe the "human rights" of the law abiding aren't as important. If we need more prisons because the current ones are too full, then build some more.

It's been said this week that the cost of rail fares will increase so much over the next year that there will eventually come a point when only the rich middle classes will be able to afford train travel. I also found out that black tape was going to be stuck on civil servants' desks to show them where to put their keyboards and pens........at a cost of £7 million.

As you can imagine, after discovering that little lot I began to wonder as to my sanity for having voted for the Government that's behind all this nonsense.

What letter comes after Z ?

So who have we got in the beyond the z list "Celebrity" Big Brother House.....

.......Face from "The A Team", Cleo Rocos, Leo Sayer, H from Steps, someone who seems to have access to Nelson Mandela's wardrobe but I've been told is one of the Jacksons, some strange looking old bloke with a red face and white hair, the one who could sing but wasn't all that from S Club 7, an effing and blinding rocker and a couple of pretty but thick, footballers wives looking girls.

There is also that moaning old hack from one of the Sunday red tops, Carole Malone, as well as the very "WOOF!" Shilpa Shetty - no, I hadn't heard of her either, but it seems she is a Bollywood actress from India.

I think it's time I tidied the cutlery draw.