Green is the colour .......

Recent news footage of climate change has certainly gone for the "let's scare the pants off people" approach, rather than the "turn your heating down a degree or two, don't leave your TV on standby all night and we should all just about make it" style of a few years ago. There has also been lots of close ups of thawing ice and news reporters with their best "concerned look" taking up the news bulletins recently and while I watch and feel the appropriate level of despair, I also can't help feeling "What the hell do you expect me to do about it?"

Like most people, I've tried to be green but it's a lot of effort and, in all honesty, I just don't have the time or the necessary desire to walk everywhere. You probably think this is very selfish and you're probably right, however, I don't think I'm alone. Do you separate out all your rubbish and resist the temptation to take the easy way out and chuck it all in the same bin bag? Like many people I "do my bit" by buying recycled toilet roll, taking my empties to the bottle bank and stealing the pens for my own use that come with the charity begging letters - well, it's a kind of recycling. I also admire environmental protestors, from the comfort of my armchair, who go parachuting onto oil rigs and would happily join them if it weren't for the fact that for them, being at one with the earth includes smelling like it.

The fact is, in my humble opinion, is that the only way for any serious change to peoples' lives to make them more green, would be to make it much more easier. Or, failing that, force them to do it. Not many will walk to work or pay an exorbitant amount for the privilege of travelling on a bus powered by cooking oil, when they have a perfectly good car in the drive. If we were all tree huggers to that extent, a political party with a strong environmental stance would have been in power ages ago.

"Hello, can you hear me? HELLO......!!!"

If you have recently spent a good half an hour of precious time listening to badly recorded announcements that insist how important your call is to a particular company, then you have probably had to try and get through to a callcentre. You would also have had to do this while a scratchy version of some irritating piece of classical music continues on a loop.

When you eventually get thorough, you'll end up talking to someone who says "how can I help you?" in such a way as to really mean "why don't you f**k off!" It doesn't seem to matter whether or not you are ringing a company to enquire on an existing account or trying to put some more business their way, it still seems to be an up hill battle. Once you have negotiated the maze of menu options and patiently waited for the next available member of staff (to come back from their fag break) it would be a fairly reasonable request to be dealt with just by the person who eventually answers the call at the other end. Or at least you would think so. However, with their feet up on the desk and the crossword, horoscope or agony aunt problem page needing their attention, it's more likely that they will want to get rid of you as soon as possible. This could be done either by transferring you to a different and probably unconnected department or by inventing a problem with their computer. They might say "my computer has just gone down on me" with school boy laughter audible in their voice and ask you to call back "later". Not much point asking when exactly "later" will be as they'll just time it so it's after they've gone home.

With them in control and making the most of it, it's pretty difficult and pointless to argue. You could refuse to call back later, but what good would that do apart from aggravating the representative to the point of them adding your name to a mailing list for DVDs involving Welshmen, wellies and sheep. Always remember, these callcentre staff know where you live ! It's probably best just to do as they say and hope you don't gain too many more grey hairs as a result of the experience.

If you hear the background noises cutting out as you're talking, it probably means the person you're talking to is using their "mute" facility so they can hear you, but you can't hear them. They could be doing this to cough or sneeze without blasting your ear of, or to discreetly ask a passing member of staff to get them a "number 54" from the drinks machine (full strength, would keep an elephant awake black coffee) or they could be doing it to save you from hearing the ear bashing you're been given at the other end for having the nerve to ring in and expect half decent service - this last choice being the most likely.

If the callcentre you are ringing is off the "we never close" variety, it's best to call Monday to Friday between nine and five. They may advertised twenty four / seven opening hours, but that's more of a marketing strategy to make them look good. Ring in on a Saturday afternoon and you'll probably just be asked to call again on Monday morning at nine o'clock.

However on second thoughts, it's probably best not to call back at all.

Speedy Gone Bombing

A railway worker from Doncaster was jailed for four months recently for causing over £11,500 worth of damage when he blew up a speed camera. His attempts to destroy the footage of being caught speeding went spectacularly wrong as the base of the camera, which stores the images, survived the blast. It also captured “one for the album” where he is seen carrying out his highly dangerous act of sabotage.

I am not condoning what he did and being caught speeding is, at the end of the day, a driving offence that can have ramifications far beyond a licence endorsement. Looking at it from the driver’s point of view for a moment, there are higher insurance premiums to consider and the boss might have something to say about it as well. I don’t know how fast this particular chap was going or anything about the conditions at the time or where the road in question was. For all I know, he could have had his foot down as he tore past a school leaving a trail of terrified children in his dust filled wake. If he had been, then he would have deserved far more than a slap on the wrist and a small fine regardless of any revenge he intended to take on his nemesis.

However, assuming it was a nice day on a reasonably empty road and, for example, he happened to have been doing around thirty-five miles an hour in a thirty mile an hour zone, it is possible to understand his annoyance. The going rate these days for breaking this particular law is a £60 fine and three penalty points. In some cases this could be seen as too severe and in others not severe enough.

It probably would have been easier for him to have moaned profusely to his friends, family, work colleagues and anyone else who would listen about the injustice of it all. Then he could have written out a cheque for the fine and forgotten about it having learnt his lesson.

I’m sure that our speed camera bomber is considering all this as he stirs his porridge.

Despite the obvious stupidity of what he did, I can’t help thinking that if I ever met him I would shake the man’s hand and buy him a drink. I have to admit to driving past similar cameras and being tempted to have a go at one myself.