"Who Ate My Quiche?"

"Who ate my flaming quiche?" I yell at Richard Madeley, as I storm into the kitchen brandishing it's half eaten remains as though it were something of the utmost importance.

"I don't know" he replied, part way through repairing the boiler, looking bemused at my wild and accusing facial expression.

"Did you put your name on the box?" enquires Fern Britton who is mopping the kitchen floor.

"Mind your own business!" I snap back before throwing the remains of the quiche in the fridge and slamming it shut. I stomp off to the front room to interrogate Liz MacDonald from Coronation Street as to her knowledge of the quiche incident. I could have sworn there were crumbs on her side of the sofa. With my anger at full throttle at a rather guilty looking Liz, I notice through the window that the girls from the "Sheilas' Wheels" advert are pulling in the drive........

As you have probably guessed, I am telling you about a dream I had recently. I never did get to find out which celebrity ate the quiche or why that had got me so annoyed. However, after a quick search on the internet, I learn that dreaming about famous people usually represents the sort of person I would like to be. Dreaming about being angry apparently allows emotions to settle down, therefore preventing "going off on one" in real life. Dream interpretation can't be up to much if that's the best they can come up with.

I'm not saying that dreams don't mean anything at all or that there aren't people who can't take a half decent stab in the dark as to what it could mean, but they could at least try to find a bit of hidden depth. I also found a £1.50 a minute helpline, should I wish to call "an expert".

I think I'll pass on that one.

Tony takes a break ........

Having left John "two sh*gs" Prescott in charge of the country, Tony Blair, our esteemed leader has disappeared off to the Carribean to enjoy some down time in a pair of loud shorts.

This is despite British airports being rather chaotic at best and a new and very fragile peace in the Middle East.

However, even if some flunky drops their palm pilot in the sea or gets sand in their blackberry, it's fairly safe to say that the PM would be kept up to speed on all of this and more. Obviously it's not good PR and had there been a General Election looming in which Mr Blair would have remained Labour leader, this would never have been allowed to happen.

Its the fact that he seems unconcerned about the negative PR and headlines which I find more of a concern than the fact he went on holiday. To me, it shows a man who knows his time on the world stage is coming to an end and can't really be doing with making much of an effort anymore.

On holiday or not, how dangerous is that ?

Are you annoyed yet ?

What has annoyed you recently ?

According to recent research, us brits get ticked off about some pretty mild things. We live in a country where if you pick up a newspaper you would find it hard not to read at least one article involving something horrific beyond words happening somewhere in the UK. However, the "Top 100 Most Annoying Things" survey showed that traffic wardens (No.5), James Blunt (No.4), waiting on hold to get through to call centres (No.20), Americans (No.46) and caravans (No.2) seem to be the sorts of things that make our lives difficult at times. Although I've read the entire list a good two or three times, I can't seem to find any mention of the crisis in the Middle East, poverty, racism, benefit fraud or the weekly wage of a premiership footballer as being remotely irritating to anyone. Have we become such a selfish nation that when asked what we don't like about life, the only things we can come up with that we find aggravating involve karaoke (No.90), leaving a mobile at home (No.45), a printer paper jam (No.58) and men wearing flip-flops (No.14) ?

There are many people in the world who would love to be able to find such insignificant things annoying. Its perfectly possible, of course, that the survey was conducted in such a way as to generate such uninspiring and, to be quite honest, useless information. If so, what was the point ? Having thought about why this research was carried out, I can't really come up with much of an answer other than it provided some material for mid-morning radio DJs and afternoon telly presenters to chat about and guffaw over. It also meant a good six months worth of work for some statisticians and researchers. The team behind the survey probably did a good thorough tour of the country, staying in decent hotels and racking up a nice sized expense claim. There was probably some government grant or other involved to bank roll it as well. Whatever their motive, I can't help but feel more than a little disappointed in those who were questioned.

In fact, I'm annoyed !

Old Enough To Know Better

It has been more years than I would care to remember, or want to admit to, since I tried to convince the guy at the local video shop that I just looked young for my age, but even if he didn’t think I was eighteen, then no, my parents really wouldn’t mind me watching “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. Egged on by a school chum called Duncan, who I last heard was flogging second hand Mercedes, I managed to get said horror movie home to see things an eleven year old really shouldn’t see come out of a chest freezer.

An afternoon of watching blood and gore with the curtains drawn on a school summer holiday afternoon ensued, closely followed by angry parents and a told off older brother who was meant to be in charge to prevent such things from happening in the first place. There were also nightmares involving meat hooks together with a fear of butcher shops.

Although nothing like that really happened again, I was definitely at the age where all the really exiting stuff felt out of reach until I was older. Like many youngsters, both then and now, I felt everything would fall into place by being ageing a few more years, or at least getting away with looking like I had. Now that I am in my early thirties, its not going to surprise you I’m sure that I think life rolls along fast enough without wanting to hurry it up.

Who was it who said “youth is wasted on the young?”